


Saving the Whales

by misura



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-16
Updated: 2009-03-16
Packaged: 2017-11-01 23:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/362658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Actually, whales aren't fish, but Rahm's willing to settle. (Or: an otherwise normal morning as observed by David Axelrod.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saving the Whales

**Author's Note:**

> The result of mixing rumors about Rahm 'stealing' newspapers, Rahm's comments on _Face the Nation_ about Rush Limbaugh, Hillary visiting Japan and sugar. Too much sugar.

While it wasn't unusual to see Rahm walking around with a cup of coffee, it _was_ unusual to see him walk around with one that was still full. The natural state of cups of coffee around the White House seemed to be either 'half-full, steaming hot and being drunk by someone else, causing one to think that, really, one more cup couldn't do any harm' or 'near-empty and cold, with just enough of a coffee-smell lingering to make one forget about one's resolution to cut back a little'.

Axelrod faithfully carried around a waterbottle, of course (one of the two things the new administration couldn't do without, the other thing being BlackBerries, supposedly). When it came down to it though, water was just ... water. You didn't drink water while reading the morning's news, any more than you read the morning's news while taking a shower. It simply didn't work.

"There's an article in here that says you're prone to stealing newspapers," he informed Rahm.

"Utter slander." Rahm scoffed, putting down the cup of coffee on the table. Practically in front of Axelrod. It was impossible not to look at it, really - and remember he'd promised Suzie to drink more water, less coffee, maybe try switching to decaf ...

"I'm sure it is." Axelrod tore his gaze away.

"Want some coffee?" Rahm nudged the cup a little closer - close enough for Axelrod to imagine he was able to smell it. "I took it by reflex, really - I promised my wife I'd stick with decaf for a while."

And everyone knew Rahm always kept promises he made to Amy. Which was kind of odd, considering - but well, none of Axelrod's business, certainly. He and Suzie had a slightly less strict arrangement that suited them both; he'd meekly promise anything she wanted him to promise, and then equally meekly subject himself to her scolding when he broke those promises. Not ideal, perhaps, but it worked - and he'd honestly started to work on eating and drinking more healthy.

"It would be a shame if it'd go cold." Axelrod licked his lips. Any moment now, someone else might walk in, see the coffee and do the obvious thing.

There was a hint of amusement in Rahm's gaze that annoyed Axelrod just enough to be able to resist the lure of the coffee for another while.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

Rahm shrugged. "It'd be nice if the economy started working again. Speaking of which, I think I hear Tim coming in. Maybe he'd like some cof- " Axelrod tossed aside his newspaper and gulped down about half the cup. "-fee."

"You want my newspaper; it's yours."

A slight frown told Axelrod he'd guessed right about the coffee being a distraction - not that Rahm would admit so now, of course.

"If the fact that yes, I do like to read a newspaper in the morning is considered worthy of a spot on the front-page, I think I can do without."

Axelrod snorted. "In your dreams, Emanuel. That bit's on page fifteen or so, after the comics. And you'd have had to share the front-page anyway, and not with someone you'd be happy to share it with."

That actually covered a considerable range of people, but Rahm'd probably be able to guess regardless.

"Nancy did something that made the news?" Rahm looked - yes, that was definitely a look of surprise mixed with anticipation, Axelrod judged, and both of them the good kind.

"Guess again - think male, Republican and conservative."

Axelrod honestly didn't get the whole Rahm-Nancy thing. He didn't know if there actually _was_ a thing, beyond Rahm's not-entirely-obvious obsession and Nancy's hostility-mixed-with-fondness ('he might be a foul-mouthed pitbull, but he's _our_ foul-mouthed pitbull') and frankly, he didn't want to know. On the other hand, considering Nancy was still among the living, it was probably safe to assume nothing untowards was going on - Amy might overlook (or even approve of) some things, only Rahm having an affair with Nancy Pelosi wasn't one of them, Axelrod judged.

Rahm grimaced.

"It's a sad world, isn't it?" Speaking of impossible-to-understand things ... Axelrod flipped over the newspaper. "Now there's a face that could do with being slapped with a dead fish."

"You're mixing up your stories," Rahm said absently, scanning the accompanying article. "I never slapped anyone with a dead fish."

"Right. You just sent someone one in the mail."

"Once, David." Rahm looked at him, eyes wide, innocent and not fooling Axelrod for a moment. "Only once."

"So it's just a coincidence you had some poor intern compile a list of possible suppliers of dead fish, preferably rotten and smelly?" The President didn't know about that list yet - Axelrod had sat on the knowledge until now - but if he found out, he'd probably feel obliged to do something about it.

Unsurprisingly, before the intern had spilled the beans to Axelrod, the list had been a very short one.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Rush Limbaugh annoys me more than I can say and if you want to send him a dead fish, you have my blessing," Axelrod said flatly. "Even if it'll probably only encourage him," he added regretfully.

"I was thinking of a dead whale," Rahm said.

"Extra-extra-large. Suitable, but rather impractical. I spot several problems, the first of which is that whales are an endangered species and as such, not killable in order to express-mail them."

"Hillary made some contacts when she was in Japan. They are," Rahm said without the least modesty, "fully at my disposal." Which also answered the questions of how relations were between Rahm and the ex-presidential candidate he _hadn't_ supported all the way, Axelrod supposed, filing the information away for future reference.

"Second, I doubt if the USPS would deliver it."

"I was thinking of having it delivered by helicopter. Does he live alone, do you know?"

"You mean drop it on his house?" For a brief instant, Axelrod allowed himself to be entertained by the mental image.

"Costly, but that's what I'll see Tim about first thing today."

"If you ask him, he'll say 'yes'." Few people were capable of saying 'no' to Rahm - the President, Axelrod was happy to know, was among them, but the Treasury Secretary was not.

"Of course." Again said without even a glimmer of modesty.

Axelrod sighed. "The President wouldn't approve."

Rahm's expression turned guarded. "The President doesn't know. Doesn't _need_ to know. A whale drops on some conservative hypocrite's house. So what? These things happen."

It was a lovely fantasy, Axelrod decided, but a joke was a joke - and enough was enough.

"The President _will_ know, I'm afraid," he said.

"Why?"

"Because I would tell him," Axelrod said firmly.

"You're a spoilsport, David," Rahm accused, picking up the newspaper.

"You have a nice day, too, Rahm."


End file.
